self-sabotage

"ma meilleure ennemie" - strommae, pomme

my worst enemy is myself.

i am a pit of self-hatred, of self-doubt, and self-sabotage.

i abandon my own happiness to bleed.

i recklessly navigate my emotions, exploiting them so i feel worse.

i drive myself into a cycle of pain.

wallowing.

drowning.

meaningless tears, letting them pour down my expressionless face.

i know i can stop it, it’s easy.

but i don’t.

i don’t want it to stop, i want to hurt.

i want the pity. i want the attention. i want the leniency it allows me.

i want the blood. i want the tears. i want the sleepless nights.

i force myself awake. i can sleep, but i don’t.

i cut my thighs open. i can stay clean, but i don’t.

i want that hurt.

two years, and i still want that hurt.

i’m addicted to my own suffering.